Sports Card Industry In 2025 Declares “Everything Is Rare” as Prices for Commons Soar to $500,000

In a shocking turn of events, the sports card industry has officially declared that literally every card ever made is “rare,” with even the most common base cards now fetching exorbitant prices. 2025 has seen an unprecedented bust in the market, this change was seen as a way to save the hobby. Currently enthusiasts are scrambling to secure their limited-edition, common-as-dirt cards from the 1987 Topps set, once valued at mere pennies, now being sold for up to $500,000 on eBay.

“We realized we’ve been undervaluing the essence of rarity all these years,” said Lance “Card Shark” Thompson, a self-proclaimed card expert and part-time magician. “I mean, how do you know a card is rare? It's all about how many people think it's rare. I’ve got a stack of 1991 Fleer basketball cards, and let me tell you, they are definitely rare now. They’re practically unicorns.”

Industry leaders are echoing this sentiment. “The definition of ‘rare’ has evolved,” explained Tiffany Goodwin, CEO of Shiny Refractor Holdings, a top-tier sports card firm. “In 2025, a rare card doesn’t need to be limited in quantity. It just needs to exist. And if you can find it in a shoebox under your dad’s bed, that’s even better—it’s practically treasure hunting at this point.”

Even non-sports fans have jumped into the craze, as card shops around the world are now holding lotteries for an exclusive pack of 2004 NFL Pro Set cards, a set that contains “possibly the most unknown player to ever exist in the NFL.” That player, long-forgotten and barely remembered by anyone, has somehow become an overnight sensation in the card world.

“People are snapping these up like they’re the last pack of toilet paper during a pandemic,” said one card shop owner. “I’ve got a guy who just paid $50,000 for a card of a punter from the 1998 Detroit Lions. And you know what? He might make his money back!”

The mania has even spread to the most ridiculous corners of sports fandom. For example, fans of the defunct XFL are frantically trading cards from 2001, calling them “the most obscure and rarest of the rare,” despite the fact that no one can remember the name of a single player from the league.

As for collectors, many are now obsessing over previously unremarkable pieces of cardboard from the depths of their attic. “I’ve got this gem of a card—an entire set of 1993 Upper Deck Series 1 MLB cards, and I’m telling you, the way these things are priced now? It’s just wild,” said Jake Simmons, a card collector and self-proclaimed financial advisor to his friends. “At first, I thought it was just a few ‘crazies’ in the market, but now even my grandmother’s 1994 Pinnacle Greg Maddux card is worth a down payment on a house. You never know when it’s gonna blow up.”

“I’m pretty sure this is all a giant pyramid scheme, but hey, let’s ride it until the crash,” said one analyst, who asked to remain anonymous.

Meanwhile, hobbyists continue to invest their life savings into holographic Tim Tebow rookie cards, betting that someday, he’ll be inducted into the Hall of Fame as the greatest quarterback-turned-minor-league-baseball-player to ever live.

“Honestly, it’s anyone’s game,” said Thompson, holding up a card of a semi-famous waterboy from a 2003 college football game. “If you’ve got it, you’re rich. If you don’t have it, well, sorry… but good luck with your retirement plan.”

It’s unclear how long this absurdity will last, but for now, the sports card market is living its best (and most confusing) life.