BREAKING: Kawhi Leonard Cap Scandal Sparks Release of “Uncle Dennis Rookie Cards” — Investors Already Calling Them the Next Honus Wagner

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LOS ANGELES, CA — The NBA’s salary cap scandal involving Kawhi Leonard, Uncle Dennis, and the Clippers has officially spilled into the sports card industry, where chaos and eBay bidding wars are now unfolding faster than a Panini redemption collapse.

Within hours of Pablo Torre’s explosive podcast exposé, Topps announced the release of a limited-run “Cap Circumvention Collection” trading card set, featuring Kawhi, Uncle Dennis, Mark Cuban, and even a holographic refractor of the Aspiration debit card allegedly used to funnel yacht payments through a fake eco-charity.

“The hobby needed this,” said one breaker live-streaming from his garage. “Forget Shohei Ohtani autos — the Uncle Dennis Negotiation Used Patch Relic is already fetching five figures raw.”

The Chase Card: The Dennis Refractor

Collectors are already hunting the 1-of-1 “Uncle Dennis Black Prism Refractor,” which depicts him sitting courtside with a briefcase full of unsigned contracts and the faint silhouette of a confused Adam Silver in the background.

“It’s basically the new T206 Honus Wagner,” said one investor. “Except instead of being pulled from a pack of cigarettes, it’s pulled from a mysterious Manila envelope labeled ‘player perks.’”

Mark Cuban Gets His Own Insert

Meanwhile, Panini — desperate to stay relevant — announced a surprise redemption card called The Shark Tank Parallel, which can allegedly be redeemed for Cuban personally pitching you a shady NFT investment. Collectors estimate the odds of actually receiving the redemption at “approximately the same as Luka Doncic playing defense.”

PSA Facing Backlog

PSA confirmed it has already received over 3,000 Uncle Dennis cards for grading since Thursday. “We’re still not sure what the hell we’re authenticating,” said one grader. “But if it’s shiny and people are irrationally yelling about it on Instagram, we’ll slap a label on it.”

Collectors Split

The scandal has divided the sports card community. Traditionalists claim the set “taints the purity of cardboard,” while investors are thrilled.

“One Kawhi base card went up 400% overnight just because people are calling him the ‘poster boy for creative accounting,’” said a collector wearing three gold chains and holding a Zion Williamson rookie upside down.

The Hobby’s Future

Industry insiders now believe that future card values will be pegged less to on-court performance and more to off-court scandals. “Forget triple-doubles,” said an auction house exec. “We’re pricing purely on FBI investigation potential.”

At press time, Uncle Dennis himself was reportedly in talks with Fanatics to release a “Player Perks Relic Set” featuring swatches of luxury recliner leather, fake charity paperwork, and a patch of the private jet carpet allegedly promised during Kawhi’s free agency meetings.

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