The Short Print

    NEWPORT BEACH, CA – In a seismic shift that has rocked the sports collectibles industry, Collectors Universe, parent company of grading giant PSA, announced today the acquisition of rival Beckett Media. However, financial insiders and people who spend too much time on hobby message boards have confirmed this massive consolidation of power was merely a "strategic acoustic distraction" designed to draw attention away from their simultaneous, clandestine acquisition of "Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers, Inc." based in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. While the hobby world hyperventilated over the implications of a near-total monopoly on plastic-encased cardboard, Collectors Universe CEO Nat Turner quietly signed the paperwork to acquire Timmy’s, a small injection-molding firm specializing in plastic clips that hold baseball cards against bicycle spokes to make that cool "thwip-thwip-thwip" sound. "Look, buying Beckett is great for synergy or whatever. We...

In a shocking turn of events, the sports card industry has officially declared that literally every card ever made is “rare,” with even the most common base cards now fetching exorbitant prices. 2025 has seen an unprecedented bust in the market, this change was seen as a way to save the hobby. Currently enthusiasts are scrambling to secure their limited-edition, common-as-dirt cards from the 1987 Topps set, once valued at mere pennies, now being sold for up to $500,000 on eBay. “We realized we’ve been undervaluing the essence of rarity all these years,” said Lance “Card Shark” Thompson, a self-proclaimed card expert and part-time magician. “I mean, how do you know a card is rare? It's all about how many people think it's rare. I’ve got a stack of 1991 Fleer basketball cards, and let me tell you, they are definitely rare now. They’re practically unicorns.” Industry leaders are echoing this sentiment. “The definition of ‘rare’ has evolved,” explained Tiffany Goodwin, CEO of Sh...