PSA Parent Company Acquires Beckett Media as Elaborate Smokescreen to Conceal Purchase of "Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers, Inc."

 

 

NEWPORT BEACH, CA – In a seismic shift that has rocked the sports collectibles industry, Collectors Universe, parent company of grading giant PSA, announced today the acquisition of rival Beckett Media. However, financial insiders and people who spend too much time on hobby message boards have confirmed this massive consolidation of power was merely a "strategic acoustic distraction" designed to draw attention away from their simultaneous, clandestine acquisition of "Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers, Inc." based in Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

While the hobby world hyperventilated over the implications of a near-total monopoly on plastic-encased cardboard, Collectors Universe CEO Nat Turner quietly signed the paperwork to acquire Timmy’s, a small injection-molding firm specializing in plastic clips that hold baseball cards against bicycle spokes to make that cool "thwip-thwip-thwip" sound.

"Look, buying Beckett is great for synergy or whatever. We get their BGS 9.5 subgrades, their magazines, and the three guys left who still prefer their slabs. It’s a nice little tuck-in acquisition," said Turner, hastily shoving a prototype ‘Klacker’ into his suit pocket during a press conference. "But the antitrust regulators were getting nosy. We needed a big, flashy headline to keep them busy while we secured the real future of this hobby: auditory nostalgia performance assets."

According to leaked internal memos, the acquisition of Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers is part of PSA's new "Lifecycle Vertical Integration Strategy." The company aims to control every stage of a card's existence, from pristine Gem Mint 10 investment piece to beat-to-hell junk wax used to annoy neighbors in a cul-de-sac.

"We realized we were only monetizing the 'preservation' side of the market," explained Chet Hardwick, VP of Strategic Obfuscation at PSA. "But what about the 'destruction' sector? It’s a totally untapped TAM (Total Addressable Market). By acquiring Timmy's, we can now offer grading services for how well a card sounds when destroyed by a Huffy ten-speed."

PSA is reportedly already developing a new grading scale for the Klacker division. A card will be judged from K-1 (sounds like a wet paper towel hitting a fender) to K-10 (a crisp, robust thwack reminiscent of a 1952 Topps Mantle being ruined by a carefree boomer in 1958).

The FTC, currently buried under mountains of paperwork regarding the Beckett merger, admitted they completely missed the Timmy’s acquisition.

"Honestly, we were so focused on whether the combined entity would artificially inflate the price of Luka Dončić prizm refractors that we didn't notice they bought a company whose entire inventory is worth $400," said an exhausted FTC spokesperson. "They played us like a fiddle. Or, more accurately, like a bicycle wheel sounding like a poorly tuned motorcycle."

Collectors Universe anticipates high-margin growth from the new acquisition. Plans for Q4 include launching "PSA DNA Certified Klackers," which are pre-slabbed 1990 Donruss commons guaranteed to last at least three rides around the block before flying off into a storm drain.