The Short Print

Elon Musk offered one small step for mankind, but this collector is taking one giant leap for cardboardkind.  HOUSTON — In a bold fusion of space-age ambition and century-old cardboard, 46-year-old collector Darren Blunkett of Boise, Idaho has reportedly sold his ultra-rare T206 Honus Wagner baseball card in order to fund a one-way ticket on SpaceX’s next manned mission to Mars. “This card's been to national conventions, safety deposit boxes, and even a hurricane bunker,” Blunkett said at a press conference held inside his local card shop. “But it’s time for it to fulfill its true destiny: paying for me to become the first guy to rip wax on another planet.” One Small Flip for Man The card, famously known as the Mona Lisa of cardboard , recently fetched $7.2 million in a private transaction reportedly brokered by Ken Goldin and livestreamed on TikTok with six ring lights and seventeen hashtags. The buyer, who remains anonymous but is rumored to be a Saudi prince simply stated, “I...

In a shocking turn of events, the sports card industry has officially declared that literally every card ever made is “rare,” with even the most common base cards now fetching exorbitant prices. 2025 has seen an unprecedented bust in the market, this change was seen as a way to save the hobby. Currently enthusiasts are scrambling to secure their limited-edition, common-as-dirt cards from the 1987 Topps set, once valued at mere pennies, now being sold for up to $500,000 on eBay. “We realized we’ve been undervaluing the essence of rarity all these years,” said Lance “Card Shark” Thompson, a self-proclaimed card expert and part-time magician. “I mean, how do you know a card is rare? It's all about how many people think it's rare. I’ve got a stack of 1991 Fleer basketball cards, and let me tell you, they are definitely rare now. They’re practically unicorns.” Industry leaders are echoing this sentiment. “The definition of ‘rare’ has evolved,” explained Tiffany Goodwin, CEO of Sh...

BREAKING In a move that has stunned collectors, industry insiders, and even the executives involved, Panini has been traded to Topps in a blockbuster transaction no one saw coming. The deal, finalized late last night, sends Panini and its entire brand portfolio to Topps in exchange for three minor league sticker companies, future considerations, and a player to be named later. “This is just how the hobby works now,” said Topps President Michael Rubenstein. “We saw an opportunity to consolidate the market, and Panini’s been struggling lately. They weren’t getting the hits they used to, and honestly, they looked like they needed a change of scenery.” Trade Details: What Each Side Gets Topps receives: Panini’s entire product line (except for that one weird sticker division no one buys) The rights to continue producing 1,000 parallel versions of every card Panini’s remaining redemption backlog (estimated completion: 2047) Panini’s lead designer, who has reportedly been forced to ma...

  It turns out that three old Topps cards are worth more than an entire baseball team. In what analysts are calling both a triumph of negotiation and an indictment of sports economics, local collector Todd “TradeMaster” Henderson, known mainly for his feverish trading at backyard card shows, has completed the unthinkable. With a swift and eyebrow-raising transaction, Henderson traded three common baseball cards—yes, common baseball cards—for the entire New York Yankees franchise, from Aaron Judge all the way down to the last hot dog vendor at Yankee Stadium. According to Henderson, the now-iconic cards that he exchanged in this jaw-dropping trade include a 1988 Donruss Wally Backman, a 1993 Topps Mike Gallego, and a 1990 Score Kevin Maas—none of which has been valued over 20 cents on the market since, well, ever.   “The Yankees Needed a Change—Who Better Than Me?” The Yankees, coming off another season that’s been long on payroll but short on postseason success, were reportedl...

  July 2, 2024 – In a landmark decision that has left economists, collectors, and probably even a few major league pitchers scratching their heads, the Supreme Court has ruled that sports cards are now to be considered legal tender across the United States. The 5-4 decision in the case of Topps v. The United States has sparked wild enthusiasm, rampant confusion, and a spike in the value of every dusty shoebox in every attic nationwide. Justice Sonia Sotomayor, delivering the majority opinion, declared, “It is time we recognize the intrinsic value that sports cards have long held in the hearts and wallets of Americans. From Babe Ruth to LeBron James, these pieces of cardboard have as much cultural and economic weight as the dollar bill.” The Great Economic Rebound of 2024 The stock market, initially reeling from the decision, quickly rebounded as collectors began flooding eBay and local card shops, hoping to convert their collections into what now amounts to a shiny new retirement...

  In a stunning revelation that has shaken the very foundations of the sports memorabilia world, thousands of collectors are demanding refunds from Fanatics and Topps after discovering that the much-coveted MLB jersey swatches in their memorabilia cards are nothing more than torn napkins hastily glued onto cardboard. The scandal, dubbed "NapkinGate" by disgruntled collectors, came to light when superfan and self-proclaimed "Jersey Junkie" Randy Thompson excitedly opened his new pack of cards, only to find what appeared to be a crumpled Chipotle napkin masquerading as a piece of game-worn memorabilia. "I thought I hit the jackpot with this Clayton Kershaw jersey swatch," lamented Thompson. "But upon closer inspection, I realized it was just a greasy napkin with 'Extra Guac, Please' written on the corner. I feel betrayed." As collectors across the nation inspected their prized memorabilia cards with newfound skepticism, reports flooded in...

Shohei Batting   In a move that left jaws dropping faster than a poorly caught foul ball, baseball sensation Shohei Ohtani has inked a staggering $700 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers. While many thought the term "million-dollar arm" was reserved for pitchers, Ohtani has taken it a step further, proving that a multi-million-dollar arm, leg, and everything in between can be a reality.   The announcement came in a press conference where Ohtani, surrounded by stacks of cash and a live jazz band playing his walk-up song, casually signed the deal with a golden pen encrusted with diamonds. The Dodgers' front office, now officially bankrupt, reportedly sold the office coffee machine to cover the signing bonus.   As if a $700 million contract wasn't enough to turn heads, Ohtani and the Dodgers have partnered to revolutionize the sports card market. Each Shohei Ohtani baseball card will now come with its own tiny, custom-designed limousine. Yes, you read that righ...

    In an astonishing turn of events, one avid sports card collector has taken his passion to a whole new level, or should we say a whole new dimension - a 1952 Mickey Mantle dimension to be exact. Meet Bob "The Cardboard Crusader" Johnson, a man so committed to his collection that he's decided to trade his comfortable home for a cozy shoebox, all in the name of that elusive Mantle card.   Bob, an accountant by day and card collector by night (and day, let's be honest), always dreamed of owning the Holy Grail of baseball cards, the 1952 Topps Mickey Mantle. With the card's astronomical price tag in today's market, he knew he had to get creative.   After hours of brainstorming (and browsing Zillow), Bob stumbled upon a brilliant, albeit unconventional, solution: mortgage his house and live in a shoebox. "I figured, why spend money on a spacious home when I can invest in a small piece of cardboard that fits in the palm of my hand?" Bob said with an ent...

Sports Cards & Technology    In an unexpected turn of events, the nation's economy has been brought to its knees as baseball cards, those seemingly innocent pieces of cardboard, have gained sentience and launched a crusade for equal rights. The world of collectibles has been turned upside down, leaving many wondering: are we now living in a topsy-turvy trading card dystopia?   It all started innocently enough, with collectors quietly amassing their prized cardboard rectangles, hoping to strike it rich someday. However, things took a surreal twist when a group of baseball cards suddenly sprang to life in a suburban basement. Witnessing the shocking transformation of their inanimate brethren, they quickly organized and founded the "Card Liberation Front" (CLF). Their demands? Equal rights, better storage conditions, and protection from the dreaded pocket protector.   Spokesperson for the CLF, Cardy McCardface, exclaimed, "We've been trapped in plastic sle...