Trading Card Investors Ditch Stock Market, Say “Cardboard Has Way Fewer Earnings Calls”

 NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning shift in investment trends, thousands of self-proclaimed “cardboard capitalists” are abandoning the traditional stock market in favor of colorful rectangles featuring athletes, cartoon characters, and guys who played 11 minutes in the NBA.

The movement, unofficially dubbed “Wax Street,” has Wall Street analysts scrambling to understand how a PSA 10 Charizard is now considered more stable than blue-chip tech stocks.

“Why invest in Amazon when you can own a Justin Herbert rookie that glows in the dark and smells like Mountain Dew?” said Kyle McManus, 34, a former financial advisor turned full-time card flipper. “Dividends are boring. I want numbered parallels.”

     

“The Market Is Bearish, But This Luka RC Is Foil”

Cardboard investors cite several advantages over stocks, including:

• No SEC oversight

• The thrill of pulling a “banger” on live stream while shirtless

• And a strong belief that a signed piece of plastic can fund retirement

“It’s simple economics,” explained YouTuber and self-appointed card analyst “SlabDaddy89.” “Tesla can’t be numbered out of 25 and slabbed in chrome. But this Ja Morant Color Blast? That’s generational wealth, baby.”

Many investors claim they “diversified their portfolio” by putting 80% into Prizm rookies, 15% into Pokémon, and 5% into unopened wax “for the kids.” When asked if they have a 401(k), one replied, “Yeah, it’s a shoebox under my bed with three Zion PSA 9s and a slabbed Pikachu.”

Economists Cautiously Concerned

Not all experts are convinced. “This is madness,” said Dr. Elena Goldman, professor of finance at Columbia. “The market is built on speculation, hype, and memes.”

She paused. “Actually, that is what the stock market is now. Never mind, carry on.”

Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve has reportedly begun monitoring eBay comps as part of its monetary policy analysis. “If Julio Rodríguez refractor prices tank, we might have to cut interest rates,” said one Fed official, adjusting his slabbed tie.

The Future of Finance Is…Holographic?

BlackRock has already launched a new ETF backed by vintage Topps sets and graded Pokémon holos, while CNBC has announced a spin-off show: Mad Wax, hosted by a man who once flipped a Brock Purdy rookie into a down payment.

As traditional banks panic, some collectors remain smugly confident.

“When the dollar collapses,” said one man outside a Vegas card show, “the only currency left will be Prizm Silver and raw Giannis rookies.”

At press time, a group of investors were seen frantically buying up 2020 Mosaic retail hangers after Reddit rumors swirled that Joe Burrow cards were “about to moon.”

The S&P 500 fell 1.2% on the news.
The value of a 1/1 Anthony Edwards “Nebula” rose 73%.