The Short Print

  NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning shift in investment trends, thousands of self-proclaimed “cardboard capitalists” are abandoning the traditional stock market in favor of colorful rectangles featuring athletes, cartoon characters, and guys who played 11 minutes in the NBA. The movement, unofficially dubbed “Wax Street,” has Wall Street analysts scrambling to understand how a PSA 10 Charizard is now considered more stable than blue-chip tech stocks. “Why invest in Amazon when you can own a Justin Herbert rookie that glows in the dark and smells like Mountain Dew?” said Kyle McManus, 34, a former financial advisor turned full-time card flipper. “Dividends are boring. I want numbered parallels.”        “The Market Is Bearish, But This Luka RC Is Foil” Cardboard investors cite several advantages over stocks, including: No SEC oversight The thrill of pulling a “banger” on live stream while shirtless And a strong belief that a signed piece of plastic can fund ...

  Forget about cash, it's all about trading cards in the new economy! In a move that has shocked both the financial world and anyone who thought Beanie Babies were the peak of speculative absurdity, trading cards have officially replaced traditional currency in 2024. As of last week, major grocery chains across the U.S. announced that they will now accept Pokémon, sports, and even Magic: The Gathering cards as legitimate payment—because who needs cash when you’ve got a mint-condition Charizard? The shift, sparked by economic instability, inflation, and frankly, sheer boredom with paper money, has collectors everywhere scrambling to assess the current market value of their junk drawer treasures. Charizard: The New Benjamin Franklin “Honestly, I was just trying to buy a gallon of milk,” said Samantha Jones, who first discovered the new payment system while grocery shopping in Kansas City. “The cashier noticed the 1999 Charizard in my wallet, and next thing I knew, I’d covered my groc...

  July 2, 2024 – In a landmark decision that has left economists, collectors, and probably even a few major league pitchers scratching their heads, the Supreme Court has ruled that sports cards are now to be considered legal tender across the United States. The 5-4 decision in the case of Topps v. The United States has sparked wild enthusiasm, rampant confusion, and a spike in the value of every dusty shoebox in every attic nationwide. Justice Sonia Sotomayor, delivering the majority opinion, declared, “It is time we recognize the intrinsic value that sports cards have long held in the hearts and wallets of Americans. From Babe Ruth to LeBron James, these pieces of cardboard have as much cultural and economic weight as the dollar bill.” The Great Economic Rebound of 2024 The stock market, initially reeling from the decision, quickly rebounded as collectors began flooding eBay and local card shops, hoping to convert their collections into what now amounts to a shiny new retirement...