The Short Print

  NATIONWIDE — The sports card grading industry has reached a historic moment this week, as major grading companies have reportedly discovered that there are, in fact, only so many people available to stare at cardboard under bright lights. With submission volumes continuing to overwhelm grading operations, PSA has paused several lower-priced submission tiers, Beckett has restricted certain entry-level online submissions, and SGC has reportedly raised its entry-level price significantly in an effort to manage demand. For collectors, the message is becoming increasingly clear: If you want your card graded, you’re going to have to wait. And if you don't want to wait? You’re going to have to pay more. “We Have Reached Maximum Card” “We simply cannot grade every card immediately,” explained one grading-company executive while standing behind a warehouse containing approximately 47 million cardboard rectangles. “We have reached what scientists call Maximum Card .” The executive explaine...

    NEWPORT BEACH, CA – In a seismic shift that has rocked the sports collectibles industry, Collectors Universe, parent company of grading giant PSA, announced today the acquisition of rival Beckett Media. However, financial insiders and people who spend too much time on hobby message boards have confirmed this massive consolidation of power was merely a "strategic acoustic distraction" designed to draw attention away from their simultaneous, clandestine acquisition of "Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers, Inc." based in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. While the hobby world hyperventilated over the implications of a near-total monopoly on plastic-encased cardboard, Collectors Universe CEO Nat Turner quietly signed the paperwork to acquire Timmy’s, a small injection-molding firm specializing in plastic clips that hold baseball cards against bicycle spokes to make that cool "thwip-thwip-thwip" sound. "Look, buying Beckett is great for synergy or whatever. We...