The Short Print

  NATIONWIDE — The sports card grading industry has reached a historic moment this week, as major grading companies have reportedly discovered that there are, in fact, only so many people available to stare at cardboard under bright lights. With submission volumes continuing to overwhelm grading operations, PSA has paused several lower-priced submission tiers, Beckett has restricted certain entry-level online submissions, and SGC has reportedly raised its entry-level price significantly in an effort to manage demand. For collectors, the message is becoming increasingly clear: If you want your card graded, you’re going to have to wait. And if you don't want to wait? You’re going to have to pay more. “We Have Reached Maximum Card” “We simply cannot grade every card immediately,” explained one grading-company executive while standing behind a warehouse containing approximately 47 million cardboard rectangles. “We have reached what scientists call Maximum Card .” The executive explaine...

  CHICAGO — In a devastating development for the modern trading card industry, one man armed with colored pencils, paper, scissors, and what experts describe as “an alarming amount of actual creativity” has reportedly begun producing baseball cards that collectors genuinely enjoy. The man, known online as Gummy Arts , has spent years hand-drawing baseball cards featuring everyone from legendary athletes to obscure players, historical figures, musicians, television characters, and people who, according to several major card manufacturers, were previously considered “not shiny enough to print.” Industry executives immediately called an emergency meeting. “We've spent decades developing chrome technology, laser-etched refractors, atomic parallels, cosmic parallels, lava parallels, disco parallels, and cards that require sunglasses to examine,” said one anonymous trading card executive. “And this guy is out here making people happy with a colored pencil?” The executive reportedly paus...