PSA Parent Company Acquires Beckett Media as Elaborate Smokescreen to Conceal Purchase of "Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers, Inc."
NEWPORT BEACH, CA – In a seismic shift that has rocked the sports collectibles industry, Collectors Universe, parent company of grading giant PSA, announced today the acquisition of rival Beckett Media. However, financial insiders and people who spend too much time on hobby message boards have confirmed this massive consolidation of power was merely a "strategic acoustic distraction" designed to draw attention away from their simultaneous, clandestine acquisition of "Timmy’s Totally Rad Bike Spoke Klackers, Inc." based in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. While the hobby world hyperventilated over the implications of a near-total monopoly on plastic-encased cardboard, Collectors Universe CEO Nat Turner quietly signed the paperwork to acquire Timmy’s, a small injection-molding firm specializing in plastic clips that hold baseball cards against bicycle spokes to make that cool "thwip-thwip-thwip" sound. "Look, buying Beckett is great for synergy or whatever. We...