The Short Print

    San Diego, CA – August 19, 2025 — In a move that has both the NFL and the pop‑music world scrambling for their helmets, Topps announced today the release of a limited‑edition Madison Beer trading card—complete with a holographic “relationship” seal—just days before the pop star is rumored to announce a romance with Chargers quarterback Justin Herbert. The card, dubbed “Quarterback Crush #01,” features Beer striking a pose that looks suspiciously like a touchdown celebration, while Herbert’s jersey number (10) is subtly etched into the background like a secret play‑call. The back of the card lists her “career stats” (number of Grammy nominations, Instagram followers, and the exact amount of hair product used per concert) alongside Herbert’s “relationship metrics” (average pass completion rate, number of touchdowns, and the number of times he’s been caught humming “All About That Bass”). “We wanted to capture the moment when two American icons collide—pop s...

   eBay Headquarters — Just hours after proudly acquiring a $15,000 Will Grier football card , local collector PrizmPrince420 has filed an official complaint after realizing the seller charged an additional $6.95 for shipping. “This is highway robbery,” the collector said in a tearful Instagram story. “If I’m dropping fifteen grand on Will freakin’ Grier, the least they could do is toss in USPS First Class. Or a padded envelope. Or maybe hand-deliver it with a police escort.” The seller, however, stood firm. “Look, rules are rules. Shipping isn’t free,” said CardKing87 , who admitted he nearly fainted when the auction actually ended above $100. “Honestly, I would’ve mailed it with a stick of gum and a handwritten apology.” Meanwhile, the hobby community has been merciless. Forums are ablaze with users mocking the buyer’s priorities: “Imagine paying $15k for Will Grier, then complaining about postage.” “That’s like buying a yacht and whining about the gas.” “Bro got...

  CHARLOTTE, NC — In a baffling act of financial self-destruction, a collector this week shelled out $15,000 for a one-of-one Will Grier football card , leaving experts, hobbyists, and even Geoff Wilson completely dumbfounded. Hobby Analysts Baffled Hobby insiders immediately scrambled to make sense of the purchase. Some speculated the card had been secretly infused with gold dust, while others theorized it doubled as a deed to waterfront property in Florida. “I checked twice to make sure it wasn’t Tom Brady ’s name spelled wrong,” said veteran grader Larry Feinberg. “Nope. Just plain old Will Grier. Someone actually wired real money for this.”   The Collector Speaks Out The anonymous buyer, known only by his eBay handle PrizmPrince420 , defended the purchase in an emotional livestream: “Everyone laughed at the guy who bought Bitcoin at $100. Everyone mocked the first man who invested in Beanie Babies. This is the same thing. Will Grier is the next big… okay, maybe no...

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shock waves through the sports card world, the U.S. Trade Representative’s office announced today a sweeping set of tariffs on imported trading cards, claiming the measure will “protect American cardboard jobs” and “finally make Panini pay for their sticker autos.” Effective immediately, all foreign-made cards — from Japanese Pokémon to Italian soccer stickers — will face a 25% “Slab Tax” at the border. Collectors fear the move could raise the cost of sealed product, making it slightly more expensive to be financially irresponsible. Collectors Prepare for Cardboard Prohibition “This is the end,” said Brad “BreakDaddy79” Hensley, live-streaming a case break while crying into a pack of penny sleeves. “Do you know what this means for my margins? I’ll have to start charging $100 for shipping and tell people it’s for ‘handling fees.’” Meanwhile, rumors have already spread of an underground “card smuggling” network. Hobbyists hav...

  NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning shift in investment trends, thousands of self-proclaimed “cardboard capitalists” are abandoning the traditional stock market in favor of colorful rectangles featuring athletes, cartoon characters, and guys who played 11 minutes in the NBA. The movement, unofficially dubbed “Wax Street,” has Wall Street analysts scrambling to understand how a PSA 10 Charizard is now considered more stable than blue-chip tech stocks. “Why invest in Amazon when you can own a Justin Herbert rookie that glows in the dark and smells like Mountain Dew?” said Kyle McManus, 34, a former financial advisor turned full-time card flipper. “Dividends are boring. I want numbered parallels.”        “The Market Is Bearish, But This Luka RC Is Foil” Cardboard investors cite several advantages over stocks, including: No SEC oversight The thrill of pulling a “banger” on live stream while shirtless And a strong belief that a signed piece of plastic can fund ...

   "Authentic Fakes" Surge in Value as Desperate Collectors Embrace Lucrative New Paradox BOSTON, MA – In a shocking twist that has left traditional art appraisers bewildered and the concept of reality itself teetering on the brink, hundreds of devoted sports memorabilia collectors are now proudly asserting that their alleged Tom Brady rookie cards, recently exposed as forgeries, are in fact "authentic fakes" and consequently, significantly more valuable than their genuine counterparts. The paradigm-shattering declaration comes in the wake of a massive autograph forgery scandal, which initially sent shockwaves through the highly lucrative, and increasingly delusional, sports card market. However, rather than facing the grim reality of owning worthless scraps of counterfeit cardboard, the collecting community has, with remarkable agility and a complete disregard for logic, pivoted to a more… innovative valuation strategy. "Look, anyone can have a real Tom Bra...

NEWARK, NJ — In a move legal analysts are calling both “bold” and “long overdue,” a nationwide class action lawsuit has been filed against several major trading card companies by a coalition of collectors alleging emotional trauma , financial ruin , and severely diminished self-esteem caused by repeatedly opening boxes of modern sports cards. The lawsuit, officially titled Collectors vs. The Cardboard Industrial Complex , was filed in federal court Thursday morning. The plaintiffs—representing 11,000 collectors and one confused grandma who thought she was buying stamps—are seeking $3.6 billion in damages, three hobby boxes of 2018 Prizm, and “an apology that doesn’t feel copy-pasted.” “It Said Ultra Rare on the Box” Lead plaintiff Chuck Randall, 38, of Akron, Ohio, said he reached a breaking point after opening his sixth straight box of Topps Chrome to discover nothing but base cards and a sticker auto of a relief pitcher currently playing in Single-A ball. “The box literally sai...

  CHICAGO – In what experts are calling either a historic auction or a temporary lapse in judgment, a signed 1986 Fleer Michael Jordan rookie card has sold for $2.5 million—after exactly one bid. The lucky (or financially reckless) bidder, who remains anonymous but reportedly goes by the username “MJGOAT420,” claimed they placed the bid “as a joke but then figured, hey, you only YOLO once.” The card, graded 9.5 Gem Mint , includes Jordan’s signature and a faint whiff of 1980s greatness. According to auction officials, the card’s value was increased by: Michael Jordan’s signature A microscopic piece of hardwood DNA scraped from a 1987 Bulls court The tears of every Knicks fan from the '90s “I just wanted something rare and meaningful,” the buyer said. “And let’s be honest, this card is still cheaper than two courtside seats to a Lakers game.” A Deal Fit for a GOAT “People collect all kinds of stuff—cars, art, Beanie Babies,” said Dr. Lynn Mint, a collectibles economist. “B...