U.S. Government Announces New Tariffs on Sports Cards; Hobbyists Panic, Say “We’ll Just Smuggle Luka RCs in Cereal Boxes”

 

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shock waves through the sports card world, the U.S. Trade Representative’s office announced today a sweeping set of tariffs on imported trading cards, claiming the measure will “protect American cardboard jobs” and “finally make Panini pay for their sticker autos.”

Effective immediately, all foreign-made cards — from Japanese Pokémon to Italian soccer stickers — will face a 25% “Slab Tax” at the border. Collectors fear the move could raise the cost of sealed product, making it slightly more expensive to be financially irresponsible.

Collectors Prepare for Cardboard Prohibition

“This is the end,” said Brad “BreakDaddy79” Hensley, live-streaming a case break while crying into a pack of penny sleeves. “Do you know what this means for my margins? I’ll have to start charging $100 for shipping and tell people it’s for ‘handling fees.’”

Meanwhile, rumors have already spread of an underground “card smuggling” network. Hobbyists have allegedly begun sewing packs of Prizm into the lining of their jackets or hiding Luka Doncic rookies in fake Pop-Tart boxes.

“It’s just like the 1920s alcohol ban, but way sadder,” said one collector as he loaded a suspiciously heavy box of Frosted Flakes into his car.

Government Explains the Logic

At a press conference, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen explained, “If a card is produced overseas, the American economy suffers. By implementing tariffs, we’re keeping card production in the homeland, where it belongs — like the great tradition of overprinting Topps baseball commons.”

When asked if she owned any sports cards herself, Yellen admitted she “pulled a Shaq rookie from a pack in ’92” and “wasn’t about to let China mess with its value.”

The Industry Responds

Card companies are already adapting. Panini announced plans to move production to a “secret domestic facility,” believed by insiders to be the back room of a Dollar General in Iowa. Topps hinted at starting a “USA Pride” line — identical to regular cards, but with a holographic bald eagle in the corner and an MSRP 40% higher.

StockX has introduced a “Tariff Surcharge” button for sellers, while eBay quietly renamed its shipping option to “Patriot Express.”

The Black Market Rises

Economists predict the new tariffs will lead to a flourishing black market where foreign wax is traded for crypto, Yeezys, and bulk lots of 1990 Donruss. FBI agents have reportedly begun monitoring Facebook Marketplace for listings like “Totally Not Japanese Pokémon” and “Just a Normal Box of Breakfast Cereal, Definitely Not Soccer Stickers Inside.”

As one anonymous collector put it:

“You can tax my income, you can tax my gas, but you will never tax my Prizm Silvers.”

At press time, a man was arrested at LAX after attempting to smuggle 400 raw Shohei Ohtani rookies in a piñata shaped like Derek Jeter.