The Short Print

  CHARLOTTE, NC — In a baffling act of financial self-destruction, a collector this week shelled out $15,000 for a one-of-one Will Grier football card , leaving experts, hobbyists, and even Geoff Wilson completely dumbfounded. Hobby Analysts Baffled Hobby insiders immediately scrambled to make sense of the purchase. Some speculated the card had been secretly infused with gold dust, while others theorized it doubled as a deed to waterfront property in Florida. “I checked twice to make sure it wasn’t Tom Brady ’s name spelled wrong,” said veteran grader Larry Feinberg. “Nope. Just plain old Will Grier. Someone actually wired real money for this.”   The Collector Speaks Out The anonymous buyer, known only by his eBay handle PrizmPrince420 , defended the purchase in an emotional livestream: “Everyone laughed at the guy who bought Bitcoin at $100. Everyone mocked the first man who invested in Beanie Babies. This is the same thing. Will Grier is the next big… okay, maybe no...

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move that has sent shock waves through the sports card world, the U.S. Trade Representative’s office announced today a sweeping set of tariffs on imported trading cards, claiming the measure will “protect American cardboard jobs” and “finally make Panini pay for their sticker autos.” Effective immediately, all foreign-made cards — from Japanese Pokémon to Italian soccer stickers — will face a 25% “Slab Tax” at the border. Collectors fear the move could raise the cost of sealed product, making it slightly more expensive to be financially irresponsible. Collectors Prepare for Cardboard Prohibition “This is the end,” said Brad “BreakDaddy79” Hensley, live-streaming a case break while crying into a pack of penny sleeves. “Do you know what this means for my margins? I’ll have to start charging $100 for shipping and tell people it’s for ‘handling fees.’” Meanwhile, rumors have already spread of an underground “card smuggling” network. Hobbyists hav...

  NEW YORK, NY — In a stunning shift in investment trends, thousands of self-proclaimed “cardboard capitalists” are abandoning the traditional stock market in favor of colorful rectangles featuring athletes, cartoon characters, and guys who played 11 minutes in the NBA. The movement, unofficially dubbed “Wax Street,” has Wall Street analysts scrambling to understand how a PSA 10 Charizard is now considered more stable than blue-chip tech stocks. “Why invest in Amazon when you can own a Justin Herbert rookie that glows in the dark and smells like Mountain Dew?” said Kyle McManus, 34, a former financial advisor turned full-time card flipper. “Dividends are boring. I want numbered parallels.”        “The Market Is Bearish, But This Luka RC Is Foil” Cardboard investors cite several advantages over stocks, including: No SEC oversight The thrill of pulling a “banger” on live stream while shirtless And a strong belief that a signed piece of plastic can fund ...

   "Authentic Fakes" Surge in Value as Desperate Collectors Embrace Lucrative New Paradox BOSTON, MA – In a shocking twist that has left traditional art appraisers bewildered and the concept of reality itself teetering on the brink, hundreds of devoted sports memorabilia collectors are now proudly asserting that their alleged Tom Brady rookie cards, recently exposed as forgeries, are in fact "authentic fakes" and consequently, significantly more valuable than their genuine counterparts. The paradigm-shattering declaration comes in the wake of a massive autograph forgery scandal, which initially sent shockwaves through the highly lucrative, and increasingly delusional, sports card market. However, rather than facing the grim reality of owning worthless scraps of counterfeit cardboard, the collecting community has, with remarkable agility and a complete disregard for logic, pivoted to a more… innovative valuation strategy. "Look, anyone can have a real Tom Bra...

NEWARK, NJ — In a move legal analysts are calling both “bold” and “long overdue,” a nationwide class action lawsuit has been filed against several major trading card companies by a coalition of collectors alleging emotional trauma , financial ruin , and severely diminished self-esteem caused by repeatedly opening boxes of modern sports cards. The lawsuit, officially titled Collectors vs. The Cardboard Industrial Complex , was filed in federal court Thursday morning. The plaintiffs—representing 11,000 collectors and one confused grandma who thought she was buying stamps—are seeking $3.6 billion in damages, three hobby boxes of 2018 Prizm, and “an apology that doesn’t feel copy-pasted.” “It Said Ultra Rare on the Box” Lead plaintiff Chuck Randall, 38, of Akron, Ohio, said he reached a breaking point after opening his sixth straight box of Topps Chrome to discover nothing but base cards and a sticker auto of a relief pitcher currently playing in Single-A ball. “The box literally sai...

  CHICAGO – In what experts are calling either a historic auction or a temporary lapse in judgment, a signed 1986 Fleer Michael Jordan rookie card has sold for $2.5 million—after exactly one bid. The lucky (or financially reckless) bidder, who remains anonymous but reportedly goes by the username “MJGOAT420,” claimed they placed the bid “as a joke but then figured, hey, you only YOLO once.” The card, graded 9.5 Gem Mint , includes Jordan’s signature and a faint whiff of 1980s greatness. According to auction officials, the card’s value was increased by: Michael Jordan’s signature A microscopic piece of hardwood DNA scraped from a 1987 Bulls court The tears of every Knicks fan from the '90s “I just wanted something rare and meaningful,” the buyer said. “And let’s be honest, this card is still cheaper than two courtside seats to a Lakers game.” A Deal Fit for a GOAT “People collect all kinds of stuff—cars, art, Beanie Babies,” said Dr. Lynn Mint, a collectibles economist. “B...

Elon Musk offered one small step for mankind, but this collector is taking one giant leap for cardboardkind.  HOUSTON — In a bold fusion of space-age ambition and century-old cardboard, 46-year-old collector Darren Blunkett of Boise, Idaho has reportedly sold his ultra-rare T206 Honus Wagner baseball card in order to fund a one-way ticket on SpaceX’s next manned mission to Mars. “This card's been to national conventions, safety deposit boxes, and even a hurricane bunker,” Blunkett said at a press conference held inside his local card shop. “But it’s time for it to fulfill its true destiny: paying for me to become the first guy to rip wax on another planet.” One Small Flip for Man The card, famously known as the Mona Lisa of cardboard , recently fetched $7.2 million in a private transaction reportedly brokered by Ken Goldin and livestreamed on TikTok with six ring lights and seventeen hashtags. The buyer, who remains anonymous but is rumored to be a Saudi prince simply stated, “I...

In a shocking turn of events, the sports card industry has officially declared that literally every card ever made is “rare,” with even the most common base cards now fetching exorbitant prices. 2025 has seen an unprecedented bust in the market, this change was seen as a way to save the hobby. Currently enthusiasts are scrambling to secure their limited-edition, common-as-dirt cards from the 1987 Topps set, once valued at mere pennies, now being sold for up to $500,000 on eBay. “We realized we’ve been undervaluing the essence of rarity all these years,” said Lance “Card Shark” Thompson, a self-proclaimed card expert and part-time magician. “I mean, how do you know a card is rare? It's all about how many people think it's rare. I’ve got a stack of 1991 Fleer basketball cards, and let me tell you, they are definitely rare now. They’re practically unicorns.” Industry leaders are echoing this sentiment. “The definition of ‘rare’ has evolved,” explained Tiffany Goodwin, CEO of Sh...