The Short Print

DES MOINES, IA – The sports card market has once again been thrown into chaos after local resident, Dale "Skip" Henderson, discovered a pristine 1952 Mickey Mantle rookie card tucked inside his late grandmother’s sock drawer. This marks the seventh such discovery in the past year, leading collectors to question the very fabric of reality and the integrity of Grandma's hosiery. “It’s getting ridiculous,” lamented seasoned collector, Barry "The Binder" Binderson. “I’ve spent my life savings on PSA 10 graded cards, only for some schmo to find another mint condition Mantle while cleaning out Nana’s attic. At this point, I’m convinced there's a portal to 1952 in every grandma's house.” Henderson, a self-proclaimed "casual baseball fan," initially mistook the card for "some old piece of cardboard." “I was gonna throw it out with the doilies,” he confessed, “but then I saw some guy on ‘Pawn Stars’ get, like, a hundred bucks for a simila...

 LOS ANGELES—Chaos broke out at the SoCal Sports Card Spectacular this weekend when an actual girl—a real, live girl—showed up at the event, shattering decades of gender exclusivity in the hobby and sending attendees into an existential tailspin. The girl, identified only as “Emily,” reportedly walked into the Los Angeles Convention Center clutching a Starbucks cup and a neatly organized binder of Pokémon cards. Witnesses say her presence caused immediate confusion, with one vendor knocking over a case of PSA-graded Mike Trout rookies in shock. “She just walked in like she belonged here,” said 37-year-old collector Steve “SlabManiac” Harris. “No beard, no sweat-stained cap, no fanny pack filled with top loaders. We didn’t know what to do.” Dealers Caught Off-Guard Emily reportedly approached a dealer table and inquired about a 2020 Topps Chrome refractor. “I didn’t even know how to talk to her,” said veteran dealer Rick Barnes. “Usually, guys ask me about comps or PSA turnarou...

  Friends Secretly Place Bets on When He’ll Admit Defeat   In what can only be described as an inspiring display of delusion, local collector Greg “CardKing87” Thompson is continuing to insist that purchasing an entire case of 2023-24 Prizm Basketball was a “brilliant investment” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Thompson, 34, spent his entire tax refund and part of his daughter’s college fund to secure the 12-box case, convinced it would propel him to sports card stardom. “It’s just a matter of time before these rookie cards blow up in value,” said Thompson, holding up his 17th Isaiah Todd base card, which he’s now framing as a "hidden gem of the future." “You don’t understand the market, man. The real collectors are playing the long game. I’m just sitting on a goldmine waiting to explode.” Thompson’s confidence appears unwavering, despite the fact that most of his box breaks have yielded more base cards than the junk wax era. His prized pulls so far include th...