The Short Print

BREAKING In a move that has stunned collectors, industry insiders, and even the executives involved, Panini has been traded to Topps in a blockbuster transaction no one saw coming. The deal, finalized late last night, sends Panini and its entire brand portfolio to Topps in exchange for three minor league sticker companies, future considerations, and a player to be named later. “This is just how the hobby works now,” said Topps President Michael Rubenstein. “We saw an opportunity to consolidate the market, and Panini’s been struggling lately. They weren’t getting the hits they used to, and honestly, they looked like they needed a change of scenery.” Trade Details: What Each Side Gets Topps receives: Panini’s entire product line (except for that one weird sticker division no one buys) The rights to continue producing 1,000 parallel versions of every card Panini’s remaining redemption backlog (estimated completion: 2047) Panini’s lead designer, who has reportedly been forced to ma...

  Friends Secretly Place Bets on When He’ll Admit Defeat   In what can only be described as an inspiring display of delusion, local collector Greg “CardKing87” Thompson is continuing to insist that purchasing an entire case of 2023-24 Prizm Basketball was a “brilliant investment” despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Thompson, 34, spent his entire tax refund and part of his daughter’s college fund to secure the 12-box case, convinced it would propel him to sports card stardom. “It’s just a matter of time before these rookie cards blow up in value,” said Thompson, holding up his 17th Isaiah Todd base card, which he’s now framing as a "hidden gem of the future." “You don’t understand the market, man. The real collectors are playing the long game. I’m just sitting on a goldmine waiting to explode.” Thompson’s confidence appears unwavering, despite the fact that most of his box breaks have yielded more base cards than the junk wax era. His prized pulls so far include th...