Local Man Divorces Wife, Cites "Unsatisfactory Return on Investment" from Her Support

 HENDERSON, NV – In a legal first that has sent shockwaves through the burgeoning "life partner as collectible asset" market, Gerald "The Grader" Peterson, 47, officially filed for divorce from his wife of ten years, Brenda, citing "unacceptable performance and a consistent failure to appreciate in sentimental value."

Peterson, a prominent figure in the local sports card community known for his meticulous eye for centering and surface flaws, elaborated on his decision in a press conference held in his meticulously organized basement, flanked by glass display cases filled with graded LeBron James rookie cards.

"Look, when I 'acquired' Brenda a decade ago, the market sentiment was strong," Peterson explained, adjusting his "Mint 9" baseball cap. "She had a solid 'eye appeal,' good 'provenance' – met the parents, checked out fine. I projected a steady increase in 'emotional equity' and 'shared experience dividends' over time. Unfortunately, the data simply doesn't support that initial thesis."

According to Peterson's detailed "Marital Performance Report," Brenda's "contributions to the partnership" consistently fell below his projected "happiness per annum" metrics. He highlighted several key areas of underperformance:

• Lack of "Pop Count" Growth: "Despite my best efforts, Brenda's 'population count' of impressive anecdotes or endearing quirks remained stagnant. You want your assets to show growth, to have unique identifiers that drive up their desirability."

• "Condition Issues" Unaddressed: "Her 'surface flaws' – things like leaving wet towels on the bed or not understanding the nuanced differences between Bowman Chrome and Topps Finest – were never adequately 'restored' despite numerous 'conservation attempts' on my part."

• Declining "Market Hype": "Friends and family, who initially showed interest in Brenda, gradually lost enthusiasm. The 'buzz' just wasn't there. A truly valuable asset generates consistent hype, you know?"

Brenda, reached for comment while packing her belongings, simply rolled her eyes. "He once tried to put me in a plastic sleeve. A plastic sleeve! Said it would 'protect my resale value.' I think he cares more about a rookie card of a backup punter than he ever cared about me."

Peterson countered, "That punter had a solid 'upside'! Brenda, on the other hand, just kept depreciating. The 'utility' was there initially – cooking, cleaning, basic companionship. But the 'collector's appeal' just wasn't sustained. It's a classic case of overpaying at the peak of the market."

Legal experts are baffled by the filing, with one prominent divorce attorney stating, "This is certainly a novel approach. Typically, 'irreconcilable differences' doesn't involve a spreadsheet breaking down 'spouse ROI.'"

Peterson is reportedly already scouting new "acquisitions," with a focus on partners who exhibit "strong fundamental characteristics" and a "demonstrable willingness to be slabbed and displayed." He also announced plans to liquidate Brenda's "asset class" – her personal belongings – in a live-streamed "break," promising viewers a chance at "some lightly used household goods, no significant creases, maybe a dinged corner on a toaster oven."